Oh, Mother's Day! That special day we celebrate female breeders, particularly those who've been patient enough to rear jackasses like me. But while most children were showing appreciation with flowers and dinners, I was coordinating the 1st Annual '1 Bad Mutha' Mothers of Horror Mothers' Day Battle -- a drop-dead, drag-out fight to the death between some of horror's classic matriarchs...and a few up-and-comers, too.
Our Instagram followers participated in a series of live polls that took the competition bracket from six mothers to '1 Bad Mutha.' Some of the results were surprising.
- Bracket 1: One of the few redeeming qualities about the 2013 Carrie reboot is Julianne Moore's depiction of Margaret White. Piper Laurie originated the role and did so in dazzlingly creepy fashion. So who would win in a fight of Marge v. Marge?
- Bracket 2: Some women have no luck. Child-rearing is difficult as it is, but what happens when a mother has REAL hell to pay? Bracket 2 pits Chris MacNeil against Rosemary Woodhouse.
- Bracket 3: 'How sweet. Fresh meat!' Okay. So that's a quote from a horror movie that's not represented in this particular battle, but there are nonetheless some new notable mothers on the block. In this bracket, you'll find the moody Amelia from The Babadook (the moodiness must run in the family) and the doomed facelift frau from Goodnight Mommy.
- Bracket 4: The love between a mother and her son is unique. Just ask Pamela Voorhees and her competition, Ms. Bates. They're wholesome ladies, sure, but they'd still kill for their boys. Multiple times.
Wow! Our Instagram followers had some surprising opinions during live polls for round one of this brutal mommy melee -- particularly in bracket 4 where a mother notorious for her rampaging slaughter of horny teens succumbed to the power of a tranvestite with his own mommy issues. Here's how the semifinals unfolded.
Maybe it's no surprise, given the fall-from-grace ending of Rosemary's Baby, that Ms. Woodhouse would overpower even the craziest Jesus freak. On the other side of the mat, Ms. Bates eviscerated the last of the newcomers, taking Mutter from 'Goodnight, Mommy' to 'Goodbye, Mommy'!
So the final round became a classic case of good verses evil, although it may be argued that a mother who abandons her values to raise the antichrist is no angel. All the same, she just wasn't dastardly enough to overpower history's most infamous hotelier.
What does it say about our society in 2018 that we picked this 'psycho' to win a Mother's Day competition? I would say the results were 'fishy,' but Norman is just a man in a housecoat — not nearly enough ‘fishiness’ to pull off female realness. Next time, consult one of my drag queen friends, Norman, and at least learn to contour, bish.